If, like me, you’ve realised quite late that you don’t have your summer body yet and would like to fix that before summer officially begins tomorrow, follow this tried and tested guide.
Which summer? In this rain?
Let’s not deceive ourselves with Westernised standards. Is it in this everyday Naija rain you want to go to the beach and expose your body? Is pneumonia a joke to you? Better keep eating so you can have enough body mass to insulate yourself from this cold. We’ve officially pushed summer to December. That’s when our own hot sun will come out. You still have time.
In fact, what is even a summer body?
Aren’t we past the stage of using internet-defined beauty standards to judge ourselves? It’s 2022. Stay woke!
If you still want the summer body, keep reading
Shebi the reason you clicked on this link is for help getting your summer body. Maybe you won’t even be in Nigeria for summer and we’re just assuming everyone is local and broke like us. We’re sorry. Keep reading.
Now ask yourself, “Why do I want a summer body?”
Is it because you want to feel good about yourself or because you want others to comment about how “good” you look? If it’s the former, that’s good. But if it’s the latter, we have a simple solution.
Photoshop is not hard, wallahi. Before you post your hot Santorini beach pictures on Instagram, just edit the summer body on top of your current body. Everybody will be all right last last. But if deception is not your thing, and you actually want to work hard, then we have just the right regimen for you.
Just start running now
Drop everything you’re doing and start running like your Facebook chats from when you were 12 are chasing you. When you feel like stopping, don’t stop. You have less than 24 hours. Keep going!
There’s a song for automatic summer bodies
If running is too stressful for you, we’ve got you covered. Put this song on repeat from now till tomorrow. Let it play as you sleep this night. If you don’t wake up with your desired shape tomorrow, come and fight us. Our office is Louis Edet House, Shehu Shagari Way, Area 11, Garki, Abuja, Nigeria.
Give away all the food in your house
We don’t want you to be tempted and go and eat again. Just empty your fridge, freezer and pantry. You’ll restock after summer ends.
Send us all your money
Again, we don’t want you to be tempted into buying food that brings calories. This is salary week. Temptations are everywhere. Instagram restaurants and doing sponsored ads. If you have money, you can mistakenly fall on your phone and order the food, and then mistakenly pick up the order and eat it. But somebody that doesn’t have money can’t make such a mistake. Send us all your money today.
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Look in the mirror and do affirmations
You don’t know how powerful words are. One second you’re saying it; the next, you’re living it. Aspire to perspire to acquire what you desire.
Just be like me and postpone this thing to next year
Nobody will arrest us if we don’t do summer body jare.