Please and please, don’t let the excuse of being broke stop you from getting something for your man this Christmas. We know times are hard, and SAPA really choked everyone this year, but it’s not about how big the gift is; it’s how big your love is.
Here are some thoughtful gifts to give your man for Christmas. Some of them cost nothing at all.
A surprise pregnancy
Getting pregnant costs nothing. All you have to do is have sex. Future expenses will choke both of you, but we’re focusing on the present. You’ll cross the pampers and school fees bridge when you get there.
Write 365 reasons why you love him, and put it in a calabash
Men always talk about how we love a good challenge. How about challenging your man to read this holiday? Write out 365 reasons why you love him, and place them in a calabash with red feathers and ribbons for dramatic effect. Make sure he reads and memorises all of them so he can recite them like memory verses in 2023. A real man should be able to do this with ease.
3-in-1 conditioner, shampoo and bathing gel
Nigerian men are too busy trying to make money, hunt animals and start Twitter “gender wars” to be concerned with an eight-step skincare routine. Help your man to be efficient by buying him a 3-in-1 bath gel he can use in under three minutes and go about his day.
Why pay a hefty price to buy gifts when God has paid the ultimate price for your man? It doesn’t make any sense.
Lip balm to lubricate his lips for kissing and telling lies
Christmas and New Year always coincide with the harmattan season, so instead of killing yourself trying to buy something you can’t afford, buy your man ₦1k lip balm to get rid of his ashy lips. The best part is this lip balm will also lubricate his lips anytime he wants to lie or kiss you.
Buying your man an expensive bottle of Tom Ford’s Oud Wood or Armani’s Stronger With You is cute, but since you don’t have money, are you going to steal? No, sis. There’s no rule that says you can’t buy a man Rexona or Sure body spray. It’s all about smelling good, and unlike some of these ouds, deodorants last almost 48 hours. Who’s the smart one now?
Men complain that sex is not a gift, but every year, we still collect it. See, half-bread is better than none. We’ll take whatever we can get. Your man might sew a thread on Twitter about how Nigerian women don’t know how to give gifts, but he’ll still come back to eat your work when all is said and done.
At least, it’s not white. This singlet has pizazz and prestige.
Peace of mind
Nigeria is hard enough, so maybe it’s time you consider being your man’s peace. If you feel the need to fight, read the Bible or Quran, or meditate to Ayra Starr lyrics. Most importantly, don’t wake him up because you can’t sleep. Face the village people doing you and allow your man to rest.
Allow him cheat
Variety is the spice of life, so if your man wants to cheat from Lagos to Port Harcourt, let him. What does it even cost you to unlook infidelity? Nothing. You might end up with an STI If you let him cheat this holiday season, but at least he’ll be happy and your account balance will remain the same.
Every day, “Daily ₦2k! Daily ₦2k”. Please, transfer urgent ₦2k to your man’s account so he can buy a bottle of beer to cool down after a long year of being a slave to capitalism.
A rich girlfriend
If you truly love your man, you’d want the best for him. Think about it. Does he deserve a woman reading this list or a woman who can buy him the latest PlayStation? Sis, hook him up with your rich friend and work on your bank account.