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Interview With Left Hand: “Why Do Nigerians Think I’m A Bad Hand?”

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.


The Left Hand is an important part of our body, just like every other body part, but it seems Nigerians do not get the memo. And from the look of things, Left Hand is tired of the disrespect.

Today on Interview With, Left Hand sits with us to talk about how Nigerians treat it as an unimportant or even non-existent part of the body.

Zikoko: Hello, Left Hand. We are absolutely honoured to have you with us today.

Left Hand: Thank you, thank you.

Is Right Hand on the way?

I don’t get. Am I my brother’s keeper?

[Stares]

[Stares]

Are you two not twins?

Does that now mean we are joined together?

No, but since you both operate with one body

Look, if you want to interview me, interview me. I cannot come here and be answering questions about Right Hand’s whereabouts. If you know you wanted to speak to Right Hand, why didn’t you call him directly?

Actually, we invited both of you together. We assumed you both

That is the problem: you people assume too much. It’s why everyone assumes I am the bad hand. I will be on my own, minding the business that pays me, and someone will tell me I am a sign of disrespect. 

What did I ever do to you people? Is it a crime to be on the left side of the body?

When do you think this started?

When does anything ever start in this country? I have heard people say it’s a cultural thing, it’s a sign of good upbringing. But let me tell you, if you don’t have good upbringing, you don’t have it. It’s not what you use your left hand for that will show whether you are well brought-up or not. Have you not met people who are right-handed but with rotten upbringing?

I guess people are looking for who to blame for their failures. Or maybe it’s just pure hate. 

Hate you? No nau. You are an important part of the body.

Okay, so why do you people flog children for using their left hand? Something a lot of them do unconsciously.

Why do you give annoying nicknames to adults that use left hands? Lefty, Lefty. How come nobody says Righty when you use your right hand?

Hmm, bars!

Keep quiet. Did you not call your classmate Lefty?

You mean me?

Who else is in this room with us?

[silence]

[Stares]

But how do you feel when you see Right Hand getting away with things you dare not do?

Frankly, I don’t let it get to me. When you have spent your life fighting to be seen, you get to a point where nothing just bothers you anymore. My own is, if you know you will put me to shame, why disturb me from my place of rest? Why not use that Right Hand you are so proud of?

I will be on my own, someone will call me and say, “Left hand, give this person money for me.” I will do the work, and yet I will be hearing, “Sorry for using left hand.” 

I swear, people will apologize for using you.

Ah, softly with the curse oh. You don’t know which angel is passing.

The angel too should pass quickly or stay in one place, let them not collect curse that is not for them.

Toh.

Ah, you Nigerians are so hypocritical. It’s like when they gave birth to many of you, they mixed your breastmilk with hypocrisy. Nigerians will say Left Hand is useless, but they will still use me to wash their bumbum.

Please filter your words. Some of us are eating.

They will say I am a bad hand, so they won’t extend me for a handshake.

I don’t think it’s exactly proper to

But it is proper to use your left hand to collect money, right?

That depends. 

On what?

I know some people who will not collect anything you offer them if you use your left hand.

That’s because you didn’t offer them enough. If someone rejects 1k because you used left hand, give them 1m and see. Nigerians can be bought. Just offer the right amount and watch them do your wish.

No oh, it’s that one I disagree with. Do you mean we are all corrupt?

No, I mean that you all make me look so irrelevant but you do not hesitate to use me when there is something at the end of it for you.

Please, please, please. That’s a wrong generalisation.

Okay then, if you want to act stubborn, I will enlighten you. Why do Nigerian men beat their meat with their left hand?

Wait, wait, which meat?

Goat meat.

I don’t get. Nigerian men beat goat meat?

Continue playing smart with me and I will expose you.

How do you hope to convince Nigerians that you are not a bad hand?

Glad to see you have decided to come correct.

What else can I do when I have a reputation to protect?

Good for you. So what was your question again? 

I said, how do you hope to convince Nigerians that you are not a bad hand?

Oh, that’s simple. I am currently drafting a memorandum to my every Left Hand across the 36 states of the federation. Nigerians either treat us with dignity and respect or we go on a nationwide strike. 

Wait. Left Hands are planning to go on a strike?

If the situation of things does not change, then we will. Shebi you people think we are useless and a stain to the culture? Then let us kuku show you how useless we can be. You will wake up and just see that we are no longer functioning. No motion or movement, everything limp and lifeless. 

Let us see how you will pick things or even clean yourselves up. More importantly, we will show you that the Right Hand is just as useless when we are not there to provide support.

Ah.

It’s just those who are dominantly left-handed that we pity. They are the ones who will suffer the whole thing the most. But that is the way of life. When an offender suffers the consequences of his actions, the innocent one might partake in it.

But, can’t you take a less drastic approach?

Like what?

I don’t know… How about rubbing special package or attraction oil?

Clearly, you are not bright.

[Left Hand hisses and storms out].

Check back every Friday by 9am for new stories in the Interview With… series. Read older interviews here.


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