Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of this Zikoko’s sex life is a 22-year-old woman. She talks about how pregnancy and childbirth affected her libido, taking time to learn about sex on the streets, and finally moving from trash sex to having 28 orgasms in a day.
What was your first consensual sexual experience?
The first time I had consensual sex with anyone, I was 18. I had just started talking to this guy in my class and we connected really well. The sexual chemistry was intense. We went to his place one day and it was probably the first time I learnt that sexual tension doesn’t automatically equate to great sex. The sex was bad.
Was there any reason, in particular, why the sex was bad?
It went on for longer than necessary, he was reenacting porn scenes and I didn’t have an orgasm. I also had a baby a few months earlier. My body changed with pregnancy and childbirth. I started having sex when I hadn’t learnt to love the new body I had. I think I put too much pressure on myself to have sex that I took away the fun from it.
Why did you put so much pressure on yourself?
My first few experiences with just sex were not consensual, and it felt like the choice to have sex was taken from me. One of those incidents even led to me getting pregnant. A few months after I had my child, I met this man. I felt like if I had sex, I would be reclaiming something. That at least it would be my choice.
I’m sorry. Was it a one-time thing?
No, o. You’d think with the fact that the sex was terrible, I’d never have sex again. Instead, I went on to date this person for almost a year. In my defense, a part of me thought it would get better. Childbirth and pregnancy also made me feel less attractive than the other ladies my age, so I thought I didn’t have a lot of choices. I was lucky someone at least wanted me.
When I think about it, it wasn’t like the sex was completely bad. He knew how to use his fingers, so I took that as my consolation prize. I enjoyed making out with him even if the sex was trash.
I think the most stupid thing I did sex-wise was staying in that relationship for seven months with shitty sex. At some point, I tried to communicate with him what I wanted because I’d learnt what he liked along the line. Unfortunately, my efforts at communication failed and I realised he was just a selfish lover. I let myself settle for nonsense and convinced myself that people lied about sex being amazing.
So, there was never a point the sex improved?
With him? Absolutely not. He never wanted to talk about sex, like he was ashamed of it or something. It made talking about what I wanted hard. Even when I tried to communicate with body language by directing him there, or shifting his hands, he wouldn’t budge. So, I gave up. He was also insistent that “giving head” was not his thing. I tried talking about it, but he shut that down as well.
When I broke up with him, I took a small break. I gave myself about a month or two before I hit the streets running and honestly, the streets were the ghetto.
What did the streets show you?
That there is plenty of dick and plenty of trash and sometimes they look like the same thing. It also helped me be more open about sex. I took the time to learn about myself and was gathering experience and knowledge like Thanos with his infinity stones. I used to think sex was something to be ashamed of and being on the streets helped me destroy that notion.
The streets is a good and bad place. It was also a little hard because I liked the idea of having sex with emotions and love. I wanted good dick that came with love. Was that too much to ask for? Instead, I was dealing with misogyny prime and controlling men. There was one that would send me my own tweets, telling me to take it down. What gave him the audacity? I had enough character development to last a lifetime.
Did you ever find what you were looking for?
Yes, I did. In November of 2020, I met someone. What started as a conversation about feminism turned into a sexual one in a manner I still don’t understand. I guess after all the experience with misogynistic idiots, something about talking about women’s rights with a man that wasn’t trying to control me was a turn on. We planned to hang out before the year ended, but he fell sick and that never happened. During that time, we kept talking and I was very open about what I liked. I also told him that I had never had an orgasm from receiving oral sex before or had a lot of orgasms in general.
In 2021, my only New Year resolution was no more trashy sex. If I didn’t see the face of God, then there would be a problem. In February of 2021, we hooked up and then I realised that I have been suffering. It was the first time I orgasmed from oral sex and also had multiple orgasms at once. I had heard people could have more than one, but I thought it was a myth and something that would never happen to me. I was so surprised, and till today we laugh about how surprised I was because I came four times. It really changed my perspective on sex.
Four orgasms sound like a joyride . I’m very happy for you.
Well, four is the tip of the iceberg. I’ve had way more. The most I have had is 28 in a day.
Ma’am, there are only 24 hours in a day. Didn’t you sleep?
Sleep is overrated. Plus, it’s not like the 28 all happened at once. There were breaks. I probably didn’t know how outrageous the numbers were because I had gotten so used to multiple orgasms at this point. We’ve never had sex and I’d have just one orgasm.
However, when we got to 16 or 17 orgasms, I genuinely thought I had reached my orgasm limit for the year. We were to stop, but he remembered a tweet I tagged him to where a woman got 30 orgasms for her birthday, so he had something to prove.
Don’t you fear for your life? How wasn’t he tired?
Well, we introduced a sex toy into the mix, and as I said, we took breaks. Unfortunately, the breaks weren’t enough time for me to reflect on my life. We started at 2 a.m. and by 9 a.m. the next day, we were done. I passed out for eleven hours. I honestly thought I lost some cognitive function, but here we are.
I think one of the reasons the sex is so great is because we have great communication and amazing sexual chemistry. We can be as BDSMy or as vanilla as we like. I’m really happy because it took me a long while to get here. The whole pregnancy thing doesn’t affect me a lot because I’ve learnt to love this body. My major problem is that my time to be an ashawo is not very flexible because I have a child to take care of.
So, what will you rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10?
I’d say a 9. It’s perfect, but I left the one out because we could always improve and find new ways to burst our own heads.
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