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Interview With Nigeria: “Find Me a Spouse” 

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

(This interview occurs over Zoom for obvious reasons. Zikoko is trying to get their network to work.)

Zikoko: I’d like to start by saying a Happy Birthday. I’m so glad you agreed to this interview. I’ve been trying to get a hold of you. 

Nigeria: I’m a busy man.  

Zikoko: I thought you were a woman.

Nigeria: With the kind of shege I’m showing you? 

Zikoko: Mad. I have a bunch of questions to ask sir. About the roads, light, governance, cost of living. Basically, I’m here to ask about why you’re showing us pepper. 

Nigeria: Have you ever considered I’m the way I am because I’m lonely? 

Zikoko: Come again?

Nigeria: There’s nobody to motivate me on days I feel down. To push me up when I falter. I need a neck. The head can’t stand alone. 

Zikoko: I think I missed that. Pardon? 

Nigeria: If you ask me to come again, I will beat you. I said I need to fall in love. 

Zikoko: Sorry, internet. But you have a population of about 200 million people. How are you lonely? 

Nigeria: With the rate at which people are leaving me, is this number still correct? Plus, it’s not like the people are going to keep me warm at night? Will they hold my hand? Buy me surprise package on Valentine’s Day? 

Zikoko: So sorry for your loss. Why exactly can’t you do this life thing alone? We have a how to live your best life article you should read.

Nigeria: Are you living your best life?

Zikoko: Are the generators they’re running daily not enough to keep you warm? 

Nigeria: No! 

Zikoko: Oya help me understand

Nigeria: Life gets lonely, and I want someone that’ll be there for me. I’ve been a country for 62 years and not once have I ever been in a relationship.  I used to have an ex, and though we were apart, at least she was alive from afar. But even Lizzie has left me forever, again.

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Zikoko: But you have this enemies to lovers thing going on with Ghana 

Nigeria: I see them like siblings. It can never work out. 

Zikoko: So which country are you eyeing? 

Nigeria: None in particular, but I do have characteristics and qualities I think my spouse should possess. 

Zikoko: Oshey, let’s get it.

Nigeria: I need someone that can match my status as an African Giant. 

Zikoko: *coughs* 

Nigeria: You’re very foolish for that. Let me just tell you.

Zikoko: There’s cold nau. I have cough. 

Nigeria: And it’s that cough that’ll kill you. 

Zikoko: Small play? What did I throw and what did I collect? 

Nigeria: Better behave yourself. Remember that you live in me.  

Zikoko: Sorry sir, don’t be annoyed. Continue telling me your spec.

Nigeria: They also need to be rich. I’m a baby boy and I need to be taken care of. My love language is gift giving, so I want to date someone that’ll be able to do what I need. Random trips around the world, shopping sprees, dinner dates in fancy restaurants.  

I also don’t eat old food. So I want someone that’ll be cooking for me every day, but will still submit to me as the head of the household.

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Zikoko: And what will you offer them? 

Nigeria: The privilege of being with me? 

Zikoko: Ah? Is that all? 

Nigeria: What more would they want? Also, before I forget, I want someone with a strong passport, so I can become a citizen of their country as well.

Zikoko: And you’ll give them a Nigerian passport?

Nigeria: Yes, what’s wrong with that? 

Zikoko: Even you, would you collect a Nigerian passport? 

Nigeria: Zikoko, you’re treading on thin ice o. Don’t be behaving like an insane. The only reason I’ve not thrown you out from here is because I want you to help me.

Zikoko: Help you? How? 

Nigeria: I want you to find me someone I can build a meaningful relationship with.

Zikoko: Media company not dating app.

Nigeria: What’s a dating app? 

Zikoko: It’s where people fall in love these days. You sign up on a dating app and swipe left or right based on people you find interesting or match similar values as yours. I think you should try it out.

Nigeria: Zikoko, I’m 62. Do you really think I can use a dating app? 

Zikoko: We think anyone can, but honestly, you don’t have light or good network. How’ll you be able to do it? What you need is to meet someone the old-fashioned way.

Nigeria: Which is the old-fashioned way? 

Zikoko: You walk up to a country and tell them how you feel about them. That you want to get to know them intimately.

Nigeria: So, colonisation? 

Zikoko: Please ijn it’s 2022. We don’t do that anymore. Do you know what consent means?

Nigeria: Hm…

Zikoko: What you need right now is to find a nice African country that’s not too old for you. 

Nigeria: Okay, let’s see. South Africa? 

Zikoko: Have you forgotten they don’t like you? 

Nigeria: Tanzania? 

Zikoko: Long distance. They’re too far.

Nigeria: Benin Republic? 

Zikoko: They’re too young for you. Plus, language barrier. We also think they’re in a throuple with Togo and Cameroon. 

Nigeria: What’s a throuple?

Zikoko: It’s better if you don’t know. Let’s find you one person before we think of another.

Nigeria: What about Asian countries? 

Zikoko: Long distance, and they’re too old for you. 

Nigeria: I know who I’m going to date.

Zikoko: Who? 

Nigeria: United Arab Emirates 

Zikoko: You know what? Do what you want. 

Nigeria: I plan to.

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